Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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