for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
