Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hippo gnu deer
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
