We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
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Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
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We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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