You kept calling me your small dog last night.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think my nap took me to another dimension
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
