we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We talked him into tasing himself.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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