Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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