I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
