I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
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These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
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Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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