she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
