so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
