i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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