only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
