after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
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I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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