They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
