they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i think im in europe. pls send help
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
