I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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