see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
