i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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