Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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