He disabled his match.com account in front of me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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