my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
