we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I need water and some morals
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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