i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
