my vag is so smooth its legendary
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Bring me that man meat
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
