My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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