I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
