I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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