That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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