If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
