Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Vodka?
Forever.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
