I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
