i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
