I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She announced her abortion via fbk
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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