I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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