ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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