When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
