After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
