I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
