There is no way he is gay with that hair.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
