I'm jealous of your bromance
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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