Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
