Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
