you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
