This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
