So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm too high and old for this...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
