Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
