my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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