Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
