my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
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Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
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This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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