At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
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Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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