I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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