i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
