Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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