Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
